


"Time of Death, 21:58"

by Chrisii



Category: The Resident (TV 2018)
Genre: 1x09, Angst, Dogs, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Episode Tag, Gen, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 18:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14920689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrisii/pseuds/Chrisii
Summary: Conrad reacts to Lily's death after he is left alone in the room at the end of the episode, and his grief and denial make themselves known."Warm tears trailed down his cheeks, phantom caresses pretending to wipe them away only to imprint the feeling of Lily grasping his hands, begging him to help her - to help her live a bit longer.He had failed her."





	"Time of Death, 21:58"

_"Time of death, 21:58."_

Conrad swallowed down the sob that rose in his throat, trying to hold on to the last tendrils of his composure. The pitiful glances of the others bore holes into his being. They knew that he was sliding slowly into shock and soon enough he was going to crash to the floor. His legs were already refusing to completely support him. Bradley had prevented him from collapsing when he slid off the bed, and now only the wall behind him kept him in a somewhat upright position.

His arms shook, muscles screaming from the relentless CPR.

The useless chest compressions.

The only thing that he had managed to do was shatter some of Lily's ribs; He had felt the bones give beneath his hands. They were as fragile as the woman had been made due to the chemo.

His breaths -stuttering, uneven, uncontrollable -, were horribly audible even to his own ears.

Bradley ushered everyone out, but Conrad couldn't find it in himself to thank him. He kept staring at the clock; the minutes ticked by, uncaring of the horrible death that had just occurred, of the enormous black hole that Lily left in her wake.

He slid ungracefully to the floor once the door closed, offering him the privacy he craved. The sob that had been building in his throat broke free; it was ugly, unhindered, and the tears just kept coming.

_Time of death: 21:58_

The floor was cold, but he didn't care. The cold couldn't numb him more than he already was. The steady beep of the monitor droned on in the background - a singular, incessant beep. No beats. No heartbeats.

No one breathing.

He dragged in a breath and almost choked as another sob tore itself out of his chest, leaving behind an ache that paled in comparison to the pain that Lily left behind. 

There was no one around, except for Lily's already cooling body - not her corpse, he couldn't bring himself to refer to her as a corpse -, and for that Conrad was ever so glad.

He never lost his composure in front of people, unless there was only Nic.

Nic.

She had warned him this was going to happen many times. She had begged him to believe her, to protect Lily in ways that she couldn't, but he had foolishly believed that Lane was as moral as he had ever seen her - He had believed that no doctor could ever bring him/herself to murder patients.

He had fallen for her theatrics as if he was a first-year intern with a crush on her intelligence and brilliance.

Foolish.

Stupid.

His own ignorance had cost Lily her life. His conscience, already tainted with Annabelle's blood and countless others, just darkened even more as Lily's name was added to the list of people that had died by his doing, or lack of doing.

Another sob refused to let him steady his breathing, its force almost scraping his throat.

Plastic wrappers were scattered all over the floor - a reminder of their failure. No one had bothered to close the cupboard or organise the room, leaving behind a hurricane of litter and emotions that Conrad couldn't possibly tame.

His heartbeat echoed in his ears, and Conrad almost wished he could snuff out the sound. He hugged his legs closer to his chest, resting his forehead on his knees. Breathing was infinitely more difficult, but he didn't care. Lily couldn't breathe either.

And it was his fault.

_Time of Death: 21:58._

Warm tears trailed down his cheeks, phantom caresses pretending to wipe them away only to imprint the feeling of Lily grasping his hands, begging him to help her - to help her live a bit longer.

He had failed her.

A wheeze accompanied his next inhale, but Conrad didn't care. His suffering was only minute; he didn't deserve someone to help him get through his shock, to calm down and realise that there was nothing he could have done.

There's always something that can be done.

Always.

The blanket shifted, and Conrad felt his breath catch in his throat. The heart monitor maintained the same toneless beep, but the blanket had shifted.

The one that was thrown over the chair, not the one on the bed.

His tears had blurred the difference, making it hard to distinguish between the different objects in the room.

All the useless objects.

_Time of Death: 21:58._

There was a dog next to his foot. One of the puppies from the shelter. It keened loudly, as if echoing his own inner turmoil, and bumped its nose against his shin. Conrad released a shaky breath and the puppy turned, staring at Conrad's face as if mystified by the agony that it saw.

Conrad's first reaction was to shoo it away, to let himself wallow in self-pity and grief, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Especially when the puppy climbed on its hind legs in order to bump its paw against his hands in an imitation of someone rubbing circles into his palm.

Conrad lowered his legs, allowing the puppy to immediately climb onto his lap and snuggle there, its warmth a welcome reprieve from the coldness of his own body.

The coldness of his own heart.

The ice weighed it down; he had as much as a hand as Lane in killing Lily.

Without thinking, Conrad let his hand fall on the dog's back and sink into the curled fur.

Cookie.

Its name was Cookie.

It was written plainly on the neckerchief.

Cookie's fur was soft, and Conrad continued to pet the puppy, letting his hand glide down the puppy's back in what appeared to be soothing motions.

It was nice to pretend that someday Nic would comfort him in the same way Conrad felt that he was comforting the dog.

Conrad wasn't sure if he was comforting the dog or himself.

The sobs had ceased, but his breaths still caught every now and then and tears were renewed freely whenever he caught a glimpse of Lily's body. He was surprised by the relentless rain of tears that he had shed, but wasn't really shocked by the headache that was thumping away behind his eyes; further provoked by the monitor's shrill beep.

Conrad let his head fall sideways, resting it against the bed. The day was catching up with him, the exhaustion settling down like a crudely wrapped bandage around his bleeding heart.  He doubted he could really bike home; his legs were still shaking. He wouldn't even be able to stand, let alone walk or bike.

The room gradually dimmed, the incessant beep settling somewhere in the back of his mind where he muted it. The puppy was a comforting weight, and Conrad couldn't even hear the ticking of the clock over the thick fatigue that was wrapping around him, cocooning him from the pain of the real world.

Maybe this was all just a nightmare; a foreboding dream.

Maybe when he woke up, he would still be able to do something.

Maybe he would still be able to save Lily.

He'll listen to Nic.

But it's not a dream; it's the harsh and unmerciful reality of life.

Nothing would ever help him to not feel the death of patients, especially patients such as Lily.

The clock ticked on, counting the seconds and minutes and hours that passed. Uncaring. Unaffected.

Sometimes Conrad wished he could turn off his emotions as easily as unconsciousness descended upon him at that very moment, taking him under a wave that he couldn't swim above no matter how much he tried.

He didn't even try.

_Time of Death: 21:58._

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Yet another entry for the badthingshappenbingo thing!  
> I hope you enjoyed this even if it was angsty XD
> 
> I had the idea to continue it by Devon taking him home, but it seemed fit to end it like this instead.
> 
> Feel free to leave kudos and comments on what you think; was it emotional enough? I'm still a bit rusty in this department!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own The Resident, so I am not making any profit from this. 
> 
> Kudos to you,  
> Chrisii


End file.
